THE DEPARTMENT OF HOMELAND SECURITY GUIDE TO CRISIS MANAGEMENT
Hello Agent! Congratulations on your recent employment with the Department of Homeland Security! As a patriotic and loyal agent of DHS, you are now empowered to shoot anyone you encounter on the streets of America whom you deem inconvenient. Unfortunately, if you do choose to shoot a person in the face – which is totally fine with us--there still may be some negative reaction that could embarrass DHS and the President. Therefore, DHS has promulgated the following guide for agents who choose to kill anyone they want in the course of their employment.
First and foremost, the first thing to do after shooting someone dead in the face is to slander the victim. Before anyone knows anything at all about the person you just killed, make sure that he or she is immediately smeared as a domestic terrorist and murderer even if she may be just a regular mom of three who did not anticipate being murdered while moving her car on a public street. The importance of immediately slandering the memory of the dead person before her bloody corpse has been buried or her next of kin has been notified cannot be overemphasized. Do not wait to know who the victim may be or why she thought she was entitled to exist. The sooner you defame her as her body bleeds the last bit of life from her, the sooner the President, the DHS Secretary, and their media apparatus can get on with the important job of convincing enough people she deserved to die.
When you do slander the memory of the dead person you shot, try to wear a large hat to cover your face. A Stetson cowboy hat is particularly useful to shield the shame emanating from your eyes as you lie about the innocent person whose head you just exploded with bullets from point blank range because you felt like it.
Second, when you do kill whoever you want for whatever reason you want, the liberal cucks will consider the location of the shooting to be a “crime scene”. This is bad, since it will enable local law enforcement authorities with actual jurisdiction to police the area to investigate the killing. Do not let this happen. When the victim’s car crashes to a complete stop because it’s no longer in the control of a living person, immediately remove the dead body, the crashed car, and all other evidence of what happened from the area so the “crime scene” cannot be professionally investigated. For example, there may be inconvenient items in the vehicle you will want to remove, such as flyers for a local PTA meeting, a car seat, or a small child. The legal nerds may refer to this as “obstruction of justice” or “spoliation of evidence” but that’s just because they are pussies.
More importantly, however, you must immediately leave too. Make sure that you are quickly spirited away in an unmarked SUV far away from where you pulled the trigger so nobody can question you about what you just did. Your colleagues at DHS will take you to an undisclosed location and give you a hearty pat on the back for a job well done while concealing your identity and shielding you from any interviews so you have time to fabricate your testimony.
We at DHS appreciate the hard work you put in every day to take away the people who eat the dogs, who eat the cats. Just remember to show pride in your work by always covering your face in public and HAVE FUN!